Envision walking up to a little stranger in a dark alley with weird orange stuff oozing from the nearest dumpster. That little person looks you straight in the eyes and screams, "STUPID!!" We've all been down this alley. It's part of our subconscious that constantly reminds us of our shortcomings. Let's call the little guy 'Klepto' as it's robbing you of energy and a healthy, positive attitude. Klepto tells you insulting things every day, including:

• Blaming you for even the simplest mistakes
• Comparing you with other people (real or make believe)
• Pushing you to succeed at impossible standards of perfection
• Tracking failures with an incredible visual replay
• Promoting the "shoulds" (should have done this, been that, seen it coming, or never gotten involved)
• Defining you with simple words like: STUPID, LAZY, FAT, UGLY
• Diminishing the value of your strengths or accomplishments

Write down what you've heard Klepto tell you lately.

Here are some examples from my Klepto file:

• "Stupid" - after asking a colleague if she is pregnant when she'd just put on more weight,
• "Moron" - after finding out that "Ultra" meant "diet" beer,
• "You're going to do jail time" - after stealing cow manure from my neighbors yard,
• "You aren't even dressed right" - when comparing my sweat pants to what other folks were wearing in the checkout line, or
• "You should have known the Chicken Chow Mien was garbage" - after ordering at the local restaurant.

You always believe Klepto and why not? You've been listening to it all your life. Being critical is not always a bad thing. But, when that voice immobilizes you from doing things you really want or hijacks your attempt at having a positive outlook, it needs to be silenced. Klepto was born years ago from parents, peers, spouse, teachers, media, and experiences that were frightening, rejecting, or alienating. Situations where:

• Your moral worth was questioned. Are you a "good person" or are you lazy - bad - selfish - sinful? My Sunday school teacher told me I was going to burn but I think she meant that in a gentle - helpful - kind of way.
• People have labeled you on the basis of behavior rather than who you are. Throwing up in bed makes you stupid. Putting your elbows on the table makes you lazy. Not eating all your food makes you a wasteful person. Leaving dirt on the bathroom counter makes me the lowest, foulest, disease infested, human being on the face of this earth.
• Repeated criticism programs you to be critical of yourself and others.
• People's reactions were inconsistent. Intermittent reinforcement is one of the strongest types of conditioning. Sometimes your behavior wasn't questioned but other times you were punished. The message became: who you were was the reason you were punished, not what you did. Sometimes I got a spanking from my Mom and sometimes from my Dad. Gee, I guess that doesn't fit but I was still scarred from the experience.
• People were angry or alienated you. Anger and withdrawal have enormous powers over our development.

Klepto is important because it makes you feel safe and secure. Surprisingly enough, it makes you feel more comfortable because it acts as a defense mechanism shielding you from challenging and stressful situations. You're able to tackle feelings of anxiety, helplessness, rejection, and inadequacy with Klepto's help.

Klepto talks to you even when you receive positive reinforcement. We all need to feel like we're good people, who have self worth, high standards, and are accepted by others. Here are some ways you learn to rely on Klepto:

• You undergo constant comparison-even when you're successful. That person is more intelligent than you, has achieved more, is more attractive, or is a better ______ (fill in the blank).
• You feel inadequate and expect others not to accept you even when you get along well with others.
• You just can't accept a compliment. "No, anyone could have done it," or, "It wasn't as good as I've done before."
• You feel the need to achieve-do more, be more- without looking at what you've accomplished.

Negative reinforcement is hard to handle, but Klepto is at your side coaching you through to control painful feelings, including:

• worthlessness: Klepto makes you feel that, if you just worked harder, anything is possible.
• failure: Klepto tells you not to try because you'll fail anyway (all or nothing thinking: no credit for trying)- relieving your anxiety.
• rejection: Reading the minds of people around you helps anticipate the rejection. Klepto tells you people aren't going to like you, so don't bother trying.
• anger: You get angry at yourself instead of the person who was the reason for your anger. You get the blame whether or not you deserve it. Yeah, and why didn't I now the meaning of umbrage - I'm just mad at myself for being so stupid.
• frustration: You criticize yourself about handling something poorly until the tension discharges and you feel better.

Klepto uses our positive and negative experiences to stay alive in our minds and help generate a false sense of comfort - while robbing us of energy and motivation. Complacency becomes the norm and we're satisfied. But the habit can be broken.

Catch Klepto by staying focused on making a change. Remember a certain amount of self-judgement is important, so look for events where Klepto crushes your ability to move ahead. Then do the following:

1. Write down the situations where you typically feel self-judgmental.
2. Write down what Klepto is saying to you. After a while, you'll naturally just listen and recognize when it happens.
3. Fine tune your monitoring to include specific details including your feelings, the environment, or your mood. Track simple things like a lack of sleep.

Silence Klepto. You might be convinced that "change sucks," but when you hear that little voice:

1. Put your finger up your nose. Ok, I'm just kidding.
2. Take a deep breath and relax your body and listen to your thoughts.
3. Determine why you're being critical - how is it benefiting you? Are you comparing yourself, waiting for rejection, afraid of failure, trying to be perfect, or having a problem accepting compliments?

Talk back and reprogram your mental processing.

1. Tell Klepto to shut up. Go ahead and say it out loud. Just don't blame me if you end up in a mental institution.
2. Ask yourself what this is costing you and if you're willing to pay the price.
3. Use simple statements to break the negativism and focus on more positive things - Remember pleasant experiences.

Affirm your true worth. After stopping Klepto, fill the void with self-worth statements. Affirm the positive - dump the negative.

When you beat Klepto, you'll find a powerhouse of energy. Here are some ways you'll know that Klepto has died:

• You'll expect to succeed and believe in yourself
• You'll always keep your mind focused on the best case scenario
• You'll have better defined short and long term goals
• You'll find more motivation
• You'll be willing to take more risks and not stay in your comfort zone