Humans are social animals. Well, most are except for those who are just animals. Like the guys who try to set a world record for eating the most hotdogs. Such skills represent deep-rooted animal instincts: primitive traits like wanting to throw up and belch in public - dating back to using animal lard for lip balm.

By being around people, we feel like a part of a bigger conglomerate - similar to marshmallows in a bag. Cozy and soft but hoping nobody had Mexican food.

Well, the point of this unit is to get you more comfortable and confident dealing with the diverse folks who populate this earth. Ok, there are obvious radical groups like the Shona tribe in eastern Zimbab you'll want to avoid.

How long does it take to make an impression on someone? A lot less time than it takes to (in order of required time):

• pick a small piece of meat from between your teeth,
• clip your toe nails,
• repair a busted nuclear reactor,
• invent a perpetual motion machine,
or
• balance the national debt.

Just walking up to someone creates a lasting impression that will haunt you long after the politicians figure out the Social Security bankruptcy problem. That's if you aren't prepared to put your best foot forward. With only a three second glance, people read someone's inner most qualities. Like when I first met my wife. She looked like a very friendly, positive, and energetic person incapable of pointing out all my deficiencies and draining me of every cent I would ever make. See, even I'm at fault for making that first impression and have lived with that mistake for over 27 years.

Meeting people and making a good impression requires a confident, positive approach. Initiating the meeting is a key element. Here's a great activity to help you reinforce this desirable behavior: Late at night, find someone to follow home and when he/she least expects it, jump out in front of her/him, wave your arms, and introduce yourself (be sure to be smiling and wearing some goggles and respirator to shield you from the pepper spray). It's helpful if you do this under a street light or close to a hospital. Making the first move can result in many hours of pleasant spontaneous dialogue or some injuries that might not be covered under your medical plan.

To digress a little, let's look at two of the scientific terms used to describe our communal prowess. Having a good grasp of complicated terms will better prepare you for becoming more outgoing. This way, you'll be able to carry on long conversations of self disclosure involving quarks and particle acceleration. Extrovert is derived from two words, "extro" meaning all the things good and desirable in life (excluding foods with trans-atlantic fats) and "vert" meaning a defense mechanism used by porcupines during their mating ritual. Combined, the word extrovert is used to describe people who are very outgoing, brash, bold, confident, and obnoxious. Introvert is a lot easier to decipher. It is derived from one word "introvert" which is Latin-based meaning "whimp" or sniveling "coward." Which of these best fits your personality? Who cares?! Read on, and you'll find new meaning to words like delicatessen.

We're going to use a special technique to help you remember some tips for making someone want you - right away. It's known as a mnemonic device and has been used for centuries by people with learning deficiencies (or to be politically correct, people who are learning challenged or stupid). Our word will be STINK, which is widely accepted in the English language, extremely easy to spell, and is associated with fond memories like that first filling where the dentist sneaks the shot from out of nowhere and plunges it so deep that you swear its coming out your cheek.

"S" stands for Smile or salamander depending on which preschool book you're reading . As was so astutely mentioned earlier, presenting a positive image represents your gregarious - carefree - fun loving (not to be confused with obnoxious) spirit.

With a bright smile, people will want to get to know you better and follow you home (a risk your willing to take depending on the most recent outbreak of Avian flu). Smiling is the universal language except in France where it's considered a social faux pa.

Practice smiling when you pass people on a sidewalk. Even if you're lost in the backwoods of south Chicago, and don't understand a word the natives are speaking. Be sure to make eye contact and refrain from gesture that might might make your intentions be misconstrued.

"T" stands for "Touch Body Parts" which has nothing to do with groping or fondling as those might lead to legal charges. Touching someone is a little scary because that person probably didn't wash after the last trip to the bathroom. I'd recommend using flesh-colored latex gloves that can quickly be incinerated if you discover the person has some STD (scrotum touching disorder).

The innocent act of smiling and touching someone connects us with that person. It could also result with a slap to the face - at least that's been my experience. I swear, from behind she looked just like my wife. A gentle touch or handshake increases the comfort zone between two people creating a special bond. So reachout and make contact with the next person you pass in the hall. Remember, most slaps are made with the right hand

"I" stands for Intriguing Introduction. Often, during a first meeting, we're compelled to blurt out a simple introduction like "Hey, you're hot." This really doesn't communicate who we are nor does it stimulate a more revealing conversation.

Try to come up with a real keen introduction for example, "Hi, I'm Mike and I used to work at the waste treatment plant till I clogged the main circulator pump one day - spewing foul smelling stuff all over the plant lunch room." This will cause the other person to "want to know more" and lead to a friendly discussion of waste treatment techniques including effluent polishing and lagooning.

"N" stands for Name the Name. As the late Dale Carnegie, famous self-confidence speaker, once said, "Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language." (He was addressing a group of schizophrenic patients at the Olga Yevanova Institute for the mentally insane.)

But even normal people enjoyed being called by their name - except if it's the state patrolman that pulled you over. To remember a person's name you should follow these simple steps:

"K" stands for Keen on Vision (or make eye contact). Normally making eye contact isn't very hard unless the person has some facial abnormality. Don't let a facial blemish cause a mission abort. Ok, if it's a large mole with a long curly black hair growing out of its center, you can definitely bail. I had an uncle who had enough hair growing out of his ears to support a small gnome colony festively dancing through meadows of wild flowers by a cool bond. But we're talking about eyes here, so stay focused!

Once you can make good eye contact, really focus on the eyes. What's the color? Is the person wearing contacts? Is one eye more blood shot than the other? Do they appear to be dilated and is the person speaking with a slur? Is there white powder under the person's nose? No, wait, we got side-tracked again. Eye contact is all that's important and the rest can be left to the narcotics squad.

The next step in getting someone really interested in you is to appear to be sincerely interested in him/her and that takes listening. My wife always tells me that I hear her but don't listen. I still don't have a clue what she's talking about but am not absolutely sure it's all that important in the overall scheme of invasive species. The STINK mnemonic was such a popular hit I'll use the LISTEN mnemonic here (pretty clever - huh?).

The primary objective here is to learn more about the person than he/she knows about you. As a mater of fact, it's a lot safer if the other person never learns your name or your bank account number. Oh, you might want slip little things out like the brand of dog food you buy or the way you like your oysters cooked. It's a lot of fun learning delicate pieces of information about others. Things that you'll want to send out in chain emails or extortion letters. So here we go with LISTEN.

"L"is for Lose your ego. Become a groveling weakling - accepting any opinion of the other person. You see that if you can drop that old ego and not try to impress people you'll busier trying to get to know the other person. Of course, you might lose your identify and find yourself in a rehab center being treated for a bladder disorder.

Focus on what the other person is saying and don't fall into the old comparison trap. For aging guys that usually revolves around the classic receding hairline comparison. Leading to all kinds of insidious habits like custom combing strategies resembling hairdos of African pygmies.

"I" is for Intense Importance - not to the level of rabies vaccinations but up there somewhere between rectal exams and IRS audits. Leave the impression that what the other person is saying is important regardless of how incredibly bored you are.

"S" is for Sincere. Cry when you must and laugh with the maniacal laugh of someone who just saw her car rear ended in a parking lot. Nod your head and make moaning sounds similar to giant blue whales during mating season (warning: avoid this on the beach). Wink, smile, and use other facial expression to convey a sense of sincere interest - avoiding picking things out of bodily orifices.

"T" is for Transfer. Empathize with the other persons plight in a very emotional and mature way. Shift your concern from yourself to them. Don't be judgmental - don't always spout off your opinions. I suppose if the conversation leads to some derogatory comment about the grooming habits of your ancestors a rebuttal would be suitable.

"E" is for Energize. Help the person be enthusiastic about what he/she is talking about. If it's growing earthworms, then, so be it. Don't spend you're energy on thinking about what you want to say next. Spit out some mindless - half formed thought. The other person won't care because she/he is too busy talking about how to tell the difference between a male and female earthworm.

And finally "N" is for Need. You need the information - you want the information - you are desperate for a date and she's the only one left on the bus. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So get things clarified that you don't understand. Questions like, "So you've been tested for AIDS and the results were false or just inconclusive?" are very appropriate. Provide feedback in the form of paraphrasing what's been said. Stay open to the new ideas. Be willing to consider new thoughts that would have never occurred to you even if you were staked out on an anthill with the burning desert scrambling your conscious thought.

Now you know that listening really isn't as easy as you once believed. It is a very complicated process that is only slightly less involved than harvesting the eggs from a mud steelhead salmon or convicting a well CEO of shifting funds around in a rather creative way.

Here's a situational example that might get the point across. You're sitting at the local bus stop waiting to head to WalMart for some wart removal cream. A very attractive member of the opposite sex sits down next to you. You strike up a conversation about wart removal during medieval times. You make good eye contact and practice your winking and smiling. Next you lean forward to indicate a level of sincerity and interest (not too close). You're energetic and convey this by the beads of sweat forming all over your face. You're committed and desperate to make this work so you suggest that maybe your apartment might have fewer distractions to continue the discussion. Just don't - oops, too late. Keep the shoes and socks on because, regardless of how well you listen, nobody wants to see the warts on your big toe.

At this point you'll really need to be multitasking (an incredible term born out of the early 1800s when children were expected to do actual chores involving physical labor) what with smiling, shaking the potentially contaminated hand, remembering a name, avoiding the large zit on the nose, and spitting out your witty - yet intellectually intriguing introduction. Then spending untold hours LISTENing to the person who you thought held some promise but ultimately displayed the conversational excitement of a slug on Valium. Don't be dismayed, this technique has been used for years and is one of the reasons Jimmy Carter was constantly being haunted by his brother Billy (of Billy beer fame).

So, off you go. Be a new person and greet those folks you've been avoiding for far too long. Expect to experience fun-filled hours of personal self-disclosure from people you've just asked how to find the bathroom in the mall. Times like these will be heirlooms of memories passed on to future generations in anecdotal tales like, "Uncle Floyd once walked up to an absolute stranger and said, 'Boy you're hot. I want you.' and was zapped with pepper spray."