The ABCs of Building

A is for attorney
Found in office nooks,
It isn't true that
All lawyers are crooks

Retain the help of
A legal gnome
In case you get sued
While constructing your home


B is for blueprints
Roadmaps to success
What with symbols and distances
Some builders detest

They like a more casual
Freeform take on the home
It gives them more time
At the bars where they roam


C is for concrete
Or curses that foam
When it sets up too fast
And your workers stayed home

Concrete is permanent
Most builders will tell ya
So don't screw it up
Or a sledge hammer they'll sell ya


D is for door
In your home there'll be lots
Unless you're a hippie
And put beads in the slots

There'll be right-handed and left-handed
And some that fold up
Even some with a flap
That'll let in you pup


E is for electrical
It's magic for sure
One amp through the heart
Well they've not found a cure

Oh, this is the part
Where codes do abound
So hire an electrician
If one can be found


F is for fixed-rate
A banker's term - you bet
It'll lock you in at a level
You just may regret

If you're stuck with a mortgage
Close to the national dept
There's still some cheap housing
Somewhere in Tibet


G is for General Contractor
That's YOU should you choose
Take charge of the project
With your savings to lose

A GC is confident
A GC runs the show
And if you hire some workers
They'll tell you where to go


H is for HVAC
A mouth full at best
But with fuel costs on the rise
It'll put the pocket book to the test

Heating Ventilation
Air conditioning and cooling
To do this part right
You might need some schooling


I is for insulation
It's so fluffy and soft
But I'm itching all over
And have quite a bad cough

Better wear a mask
If your health is a must
Cuz the air will be filled
With some unbreathable stuff


J is for joist
They'll help hold up the floor
And if you don't choose wisely
You'll bounce to the door

It's the structural parts
Some surely are cheap on
But that's not to fret over
Sell quick and be gone


K is for knot
Lots more than before
But the quality of lumber won't bug you
It's the price you'll deplore

For building materials ain't cheap
And the price you pay today
Will look like a bargain
In a year so they'll say


L is for linear foot
A unit of measure quite common
In this big bad world of building
Mucho calculations you can count on

Square foot, cubic yard
Make it stop you will beg
But to keep your workers happy
Quickly learn the size of a keg


M is for Mechanics Lien
Better do the jobs all alone
Or five years later
someone's bills you'll atone

If your sheetrock hanger
Claims chapter 11
His debts you might end up paying
Or move to San Quentin


N is for nailing
A fastener better than gum
Too much time with the hammer
And your arm will go numb

Inflammation, they'll tell you
Like the tennis pros get
It'll come on real sudden
Never leaving - you can bet


P is for plumbing
Like the Romans once used
But they didn't have so many
Books of codes to confuse

So the feed lines will leak
And the waste lines will clog
It's you worst living nightmare
Better start a plumber's hell blog


Q is for questions
So many - quite unstoppable
They say none are stupid
But you'll prove that is possible

You'll get use to the laughter
From your lumberyard friends
And be glad you can't hear
Your insanity they defend


R is for roughing in
That wondrous day
When all the "hidden" pieces
Have been fastened to stay

So - go cover it up
It's your own folly soon found
When you forgot to install
All the electrical grounds


S is for sheetrock
A miracle of nature
It'll hide all your booboos
And you'll falsely feel safer

Cuz hidden in a pocket
Of a wall you just covered
Will be some small water leak
You'd wished you'd discovered


T is for turnkey
You hire everything done
Just walked in the place
Without your sanity on the run

But "OH NO!"
It was something - you'd do by yourself
With the help of your family
And that whiskey on the shelf


U is for unions
Just hope they don't strike
It's best if the foreman
Doesn't go by Big Spike

If you could choose between unions
Or a root canal in your car
Better go with the latter
It's less painful by far


V is for vapor barrier
Your house is tight as can be
So tight it'll trap
The toxic fumes you can't see

It's all a part of making
An efficient little place
But most people won't notice
Until you turn blue in the face


W is for windows
Now don't rub your eyes
The price you've been quoted
Is like "reach for the skies"

Here's where doing your homework
Will pay big dividends
As an underground home
Will look best in the end


X is for xcavation
Sure it's missing the e
But do the digging yourself
And you'll lose sanity

Just shop for a bigger version
Of toys played with when young
Like the backhoes and dump trucks
Better skip the toy gun


Y is for youth
It won't last very long
As you project progresses
It'll quickly be gone

Just look for yourself
As old builders are rare
And the ones that you find
Will give you a good scare


Z is for zoning
Covenants and those codes
With inspectors that show up
In "take your sweet time" modes

This part of building differs
Depending on your locale
And the jerk that they send you
Be he fiend or a pal


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