Come and get it! It's time for the 2008 Arena Football League (AFL) season. Don't miss this professional sport, played by professional athletes, in a professional arena, with professional athletic supporters, and professional promotional plastic footballs. You'll witness the excitement of hard-hitting action on a field the size of a convenience store parking lot where testosterone-charged players try to avoid hitting one of the 23-team mascots.

No longer an obscure event, it's now being staged in major metropolises including Salt Lake City, Dallas, Orlando, and Guam (when the high school gym is available). Sports analysts from across the country describe the game as a combination of pinball, football, and disco dancing. It's fast paced, rough-and-tumble, high-scoring excitement that's grabbing folks' attention nationwide. Live a little - find a game near you!!

For your protection and safety, here are the AFL spectator guidelines:

• Home team introductions may include: flames large enough to launch a manned spacecraft, microwaves, nuclear reactors, farm implements, and all the vehicles in Uncle Bob's Used Cars inventory. Feel free to purchase beer at this time.
• Screaming, "That was a terrible call you lousy #%&**@# scum," is permissible and, through careful arena acoustic design, can be heard by the officials even if you're in the row neighboring Venus.
• Think twice before diving for the colorful promotional items thrown every other play by designated mascots and what appear to be transients. An entire bag can be had for a buck at Debbie's Dollar World and Tattoo Emporium.
• Announcers will constantly repeat phrases like, "Full throttle first down," in an attempt to quickly assimilate meaningless cheers into the operant language of deranged fans. Yes, the same guys screaming "Make noise!" that you won't hear because your eardrums burst during the home team introductions.
• To minimize the risk of alcohol poisoning and restroom riots, beer prices will be slightly less than a two-bedroom home.
• Booing is acceptable only for bad calls against the home team, bad plays by home team, bad calls against the cheerleaders, or anytime during the last five minutes of the game.
• Should a booing frenzy commence, quick, jerky motions are prohibited unless you want to step into the parking lot and make something of it.
• For your viewing enjoyment there is a giant TV hanging from the middle of the arena. Put away your remote controls, garage door openers, and cell phones. You can't change the channel.
• To help conserve natural resources, cheerleaders are attired in outfits modeling Zulu wild boar hunters - minus the drawstrings. Male fans should refrain from throwing money on the field. These women are professionals, often confused with simple tasks like breaking a $20 bill.
• Half-time shows with a Barnum and Bailey aura may include acts where kids wrapped in double-sided tape roll in piles of money, greased frogs are chased by trolls, semi-truck sized motorcycles are jumped over barnyard animals, or Lars and Olga joust each other on ATVs. Please do not feed the animals and keep your hands away from the cages at all times.
• Loud noises resembling a sonic boom may be present, at anytime, for no apparent reason. Remain calm! Chances are good your hearing will return.
• Play will stop at two-minute intervals. A great time to steal beer from your neighbor or clean off the canned string some berserk guy decided to spray after the home-team quarterback successfully tied his shoe.
• Uphold the friendly family atmosphere by accommodating fans around you. Yes, even the "five-foot-nothing" guy one row down who wants to climb over you to brutally assault the burly leather-clad gentleman who just sprayed the canned string and is sitting with the rest of the Motorcycle Brotherhood Association fans.
• We provide no guarantee, warranty, lien waiver, or 1040 form someone next to you will NOT pass gas. Ever swallow water in a public swimming pool? Get over it!
• There is a risk one of your friends who never heard of the AFL before and, up till now, had led a subdued-civil existence, will be standing and screaming like the rest of the acrylic-painted hordes by game's end. Simply phone 1-800-AFL-HELP and a trained counselor will assist you with how to lose your buddy at a professional hockey game.

Thank you and enjoy the season!