We, and by "we" I mean most Americans with a speck of common sense, don't have the endurance to survive the 2008 presidential elections. Just make me watch O.J. Simpson trial reruns or feed me truck stop corndogs (cold, without mustard) - anything but witnessing boomerang candidates trying to woo the vote from hard working Americans.

I've spent a bunch of time (the kind of time it takes to cook microwave popcorn) thinking about this, coming up with a succinct set of effective ways to put the fun back into the presidential elections.

IQ test. Administer a bunch of tough, racially unbiased questions like: Intelligence operatives now believe Iceland has weapons of mass destruction. You would

• declare war and invade the country.
• find Iceland on a map.
• ask the Joint Chiefs why Iceland is green and Greenland is icy
• take a cold shower

Truth-serum injections. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying politicians lie. It's a distortion technique - what's the phrase? Oh yeah, smoke and mirrors. First Romney's for gay rights, then he's not. When pressed for a definitive answer he says fellow candidates just aren't conservative enough. Get out the needles and let's get some honest answers:

One-Fund campaigning. The simplicity of this will make you weep. A single "Presidential Hopefuls Campaign Fund" controlled by my Mom -- a full-blooded Norwegian gal with frugal burned into her brain. Thompson would want $125,000 for a TV ad and get a roll of quarters. Obama might request $320,000 to pay campaign workers and get a cake with dimes and nickels baked in it. They'll survive the frugal life just like me, and it's not a pretty sight.

No polls. Make this madness stop! Aranjo is leading Ashe by a slim margin in the Purina Cat Chow poll. Oh sure, the statisticians will tell you they've run a double indemnity, cross-section, high-five survey, accurate to the .092 level of delusion. Find these guys jobs as meteorologists. Then, at least if they say it'll be sunny but a blizzard hits, no one will care.

Install shock collars. You might think this a little over the top but we, the people, know desperate times call for drastic measures. So, when Giuliani gives a ridiculous answer where he reaffirmed he did not support the proposed amendment, but indicated he was open to changing his mind - you'd run 30,000 volts through him. Or when Hillary says she's going to spend $1 million on a Woodstock Memorial - drop her in a bathtub of water and hit the button. They all need an ethic-cleansing jolt every now and then.

Shorten the timeline. After two years of enduring campaigns, Americans are so desperate they'd vote for Willie the Whale. Let's cut to the chase. Make July 4th Declaration Day where potential candidates declare their intent to run. Grant a primary campaigning month followed by a couple of days for voting. Include a brief weeklong break, where losers buy rounds of beer and maybe a few lines of bowling for winners. Throw in a day for those national conference thingies and, finally, add a couple of months for the candidates to hit the campaign trail. By the middle of November, we'd be ready to rock-n-roll.

A neat little package without months of who said this about whom, or how whose views changed on all the issues except the presidential pension plan which they're all in favor of increasing. Zap! 30,000 volts.