Sure, we have cats. They're my wife's idea. Personally, I don't call sifting through a litter box for hidden treasures a good time. These sinister felines wait until I'm snug asleep before stealthily planting themselves on my ADHD legs. They don't get near my wife for one reason. Energy! I emit tons of heat energy whereas she's as frigid as Antarctica.
The energy my inefficient 50+ year-old furnace burns, turning my midsection into a human life preserver, doesn't compare to the other energies I devour daily, like an obese kid demolishing a bucket of cotton candy! I'm a junkie for energy - and I bet you are, too. This is America and we, the people, have the insatiable right to consume energy however we see fit without risk of serious jail time or the burning irritation of athlete's foot.
President Bush says we should "get off oil" and become independent of foreign energy. Let me think, "The world's single largest energy consumer shackled to the $5 trillion-per-year energy business is going to gain independence?" Heck, former President Carter said the same thing in 1979 causing automakers to replace fuel-efficient compacts with behemoth SUVs. Those politicians can say the silliest things.
Just the other day, this side-by-side refrigerator brute capable of crushing unopened beer cans on his forehead, exited a local library by pushing the handicap automatic door opener button. I've always envied folks with a defined skill set.
Able-bodied folks ride the elevator in my building like a Disney World's "Magic Journey to the Third Floor." Desperate for the adrenaline rush of riding up three stories with the breath-taking speed of an arthritic sloth, they're breathless with anticipation as the floor numbers light up.
Then, as goofy as it seems, people regularly jump into bungalow-sized SUVs and pickups traveling incomprehensible distances of 6 or 7 blocks. Distances our ancestors might have, without the aid of a GPS or pack animals, foolishly attempted to walk. They took energy bars, just in case.
Now pay attention! These all require energy. Granted, it's a blast burning the stuff up and fascinating how it travels through secretive processes involving corporate conglomerates and distribution systems almost more complex than the presidential primaries. Even hidden wires in our homes harbor enough power to fry a bathtub full of banana slugs. Not that I'd want to harm a banana slug because, of course, I wouldn't.
Unfortunately, most of the energy we're stumbling all over ourselves to burn up is disappearing, irreplaceable fossil fuels. Folks can't go down to the local hardware store and buy a paper bag of assorted fossil-fuel seeds to plant in their backyards. Not even Bill Gates, who, as far as I know, gets a larger paycheck than God.
So what's the most immediate, tangible solution? Conservation! A Latin based word meaning, "Stop using the energy if you don't need to!" Finding more and using different kinds of energy are really swell ideas but so is a balanced federal budget.
For energy conservation to start to shrink our "carbon footprints," we must forsake the switch-flipping mentality of the past. Try some of these conservation-awakening activities to get started:
It's downright confusing how the American species morphed from being un-shaven primitive creatures eating flame-broiled wooly mammoth burgers into sophisticated, reality-TV watching primates inconvenienced with microwaving popcorn. Just remember you don't have to wait to support America's independence from foreign energy. Start conserving energy today! It's an easy skill set to master and a lot easier than crushing those beer cans.
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