Rumor has it that way too many Americans (and some Peruvians) don't have a clue that they suffer from constipation. This is alarming and must be dealt with in a discrete and professional manner. The next time you're in a crowded room get every one's attention and then ask: "How many bowel movements do you have a day?" Expect a rousing discussion to ensue with humorous anecdotes and uncontrollable flatulence. Be sure to have a group hug before adjourning.

Now the experts at the Hillary Clinton Bowel Movement Research Institute indicate that if you don't have at least two movements a day you're heading down the pipe to trouble. These folks know their bowels movements and spend countless hours, enduring tremendous mental anguish, studying the finer details of feces. Here's what they have to say:

"A person with a healthy colon should in fact have two to three bowel movements per day, or one for each meal eaten. Elimination should be complete, fast and easy. The stool should be light brown in color, long and large in diameter, "fluffy" in texture and floating on top of the water. There should be no offensive odor and it should break apart with the toilet flushing."

Fluffy is the key word here and can only be likened to mashed potatoes served up at your local dinner. So if you go #2 only once a day and produce little lead weights that sink to the bottom of the bowl you may be in for some serious health issues. We're talking colon cancer, parasites, hemorrhoids, and in some rare cases tooth decay. If the stuff isn't coming out - it's in there sticking to colon walls. Oh the sight of it is more than most mortals can handle - which is why National Geographic doesn't have any documentaries on it.

So be sure to eat plenty of fiber, drink lots of liquids, exercise, and give generously to the Salvation Army ringer folks who stand in front of WalMart. Probably the simplest choice here is to join a slow-pitch softball team. You get to: 1.Exercise and pull things like groin muscles, 2. Drink plenty of beer (What's beer made of? Grains which are high in fiber). Simplicity is so beautiful at times.