According to the Center for Disease Control the USA's flu epidemic continues to spread with 49 states reporting widespread influenza this week. Florida just had a mild cough but, did report widespread home foreclosures and cockroaches the size of riding lawnmowers.

I really appreciate folks, like the medical professionals in Silver Bow County, who make community health a priority by forming consortiums, holding meetings, drawing blood, checking pulses and pressures, sticking appendages with sharp objects, or probing orifices using latex-gloved fingers. It's comforting to know medical attention is only a phone call away when diabolical viruses transform unsuspecting citizens into sniveling, coughing, whining, and bathroom-frequenting couch potatoes.

It's been the flu from hell pushing me to take drastic measures like holding our kitten hostage until my wife met my demands for more nighttime cold liquors (cherry's my favorite). But through it all I've never panicked, as professional help was close at hand, even if my bladder exploded.

The whole ordeal began on President's Day. My wife and I were driving back from Stanley, ND after visiting our grandson, Noka of the North. No, that's not his real name. Grandparents are supposed to make up ridiculous names so when the grandchild hits adolescence he demands, "Hey, what moron nicknamed me dimple-butt?" Noah had me read Ten Little Lady Bugs to him around 1,000 times but who could refuse a child destined to be crowned the Cutest Kid in the Northern Hemisphere?

I felt fine cruising through the scenic sites of Williston, Trenton, Fairview, Sidney, Glendive and Miles City but around Columbus my body started sending signals. Little chills and aches like my left shoulder starting to fall out of its socket. In Whitehall I relinquished the driving duties and curled up in a fetal position. My wife, always willing to comfort me said, "You should have gotten a flu shot." I was touched by her compassion and the fact she didn't yell.

Arriving home I crashed on the couch and surveyed my ailments. Head being pounded like a soccer ball, red-hot embers replacing my eyes, sinuses filled with battery acid, and lungs unable to provide enough oxygen for strenuous activities like sitting. I slugged down some cherry cold medicine straight out of the bottle and headed to bed optimistic Tuesday would be a better day.

What a fool! The week turned into the events from the flu Olympics including: synchronized water drinking, downhill couch lying, intermediate coughing, freestyle nose blowing, and the 50 miter bathroom sprint.

Desperate for entertainment, I watched Survivorman DVDs. Witnessing the show's hero, Les Stroud, eat a live scorpion and an uncooked seal's eyeball convinced me that this country is plagued with an incredible shortage of mental institutions. Plus, somehow the wife's tuna casserole will never taste the same!

I also tried exciting un-American remedies including what my wife fondly calls a "snot pot." It's this little teapot you fill with warm saline water and, cautiously sticking the spout against one nostril, pour until the solution comes flowing out of the other nostril. Done improperly, it can flow out an ear -- but I'm really careful. It's great at parties!

After four days and no significant signs of improvement, I became what is known in the medical profession as a hypochondriac, from the Greek meaning, "a pain in the butt." I pestered my wife with theories like, "I think I have walking pneumonia." Hovering over me she replied, "You worthless putz. You'll have walking pneumonia when I tell you!" I'm not clairvoyant but it almost seemed her patience was growing thin.

But just listen to me! Whining like Mitt Romney. My body seems to be slowly returning back to its normal decomposing state. I swear these viruses are getting bulked-up with illegal steroids during summer training camps.

Researchers are trying to devise more effective vaccines but were recently hampered by President Bush's recent budget veto that cut $750 million from vaccine research. Oh, quit complaining! Nobody said "staying the course" wasn't going to take sacrifices.

One shining light during my illness was knowing that in almost every community there are dedicated medical folks willing to make our world a healthier place. I just hope I really don't have walking pneumonia or … maybe even syphilis but I thought that was eradicated during the Clinton administration.