Want to be on the Missoula City Council? You have to ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?
Well, do ya, punk?"
Public office isn't the slumber party one would think, especially during a time of zany Missoula growth with subsequent land development, property owner dissension, lawsuits, low-calorie high-fiber lunches, and limited downtown valet parking.
I suppose after reading Missoulian growth problem accounts it's easy, reclining in your bed in PJs, to dream up stellar solutions. You might holler into the bathroom, "Hey, Frank! I think I'll run for city council! - No, I won't get you another beer!" Go ahead, run! You'll need more than luck to hold back the upheaval of humanity that's becoming Missoula.
We're talking western Montana -- the Mecca, the utopia, the Shangri-La of the northern hemisphere!
Twenty years ago, Missoulian's enjoyed a more leisurely pace, frolicking on the house-free southeasterly hills with neutered side-hill gougers. So, "Is rampant growth necessary or should it be stopped?" As you can imagine, the answer is a complicated maze of flip charts, statistical rhetoric, and day-old donuts -- starting with extrapolating the population growth rate using the following equation:
Growth Rate = (birth +immigration) - (deaths + emancipation) / Papa Surf's Age
Factor in sophisticated statistical formulas like a2 + b2 = c2 and the result is a deluge of people. The U.S. is very adept at increases. Just look at the trade deficit. So, having the highest population growth of any developed country is a cinch. Being in first place just has to make an American proud.
The U.S. Census Bureau's population clock indicates there are now 303,722,012 … no make that 303,722,014 Americans scattered across this great land. Not evenly, of course. Union City, New Jersey has 52,978 people per square mile - using a communal bathroom and sleeping in bunk beds. Montana has a paltry 6.19 souls per square mile, which isn't surprising if you've ever partied in places like Broadus.
Everyone (except feral hamsters) love low population density but, if we're going to lend any credence to the Viagra commercials, growth is important.
"How much and where?" is the quandary. Montana hot spots like Missoula, Bozeman, and Kalispell are changing from quaint, picturesque destinations into suburban sprawl - including pollution, gridlock traffic, and pink flamingo landscaping.
Responsible, levelheaded, semi-sober, proactive citizens wouldn't wait for the city council to solve the growth problem. They'd be assertive just like George W. Bush and send in boatloads of troops! But even if you lack a world-class military you can try these carefully devised techniques guaranteed to get folks to think twice before moving in next door (Caution: Consult your physician should you become dizzy, nauseous, or incarcerated.):
