polygamy (puh-lig-uh-mee) - noun: Having more than one spouse at a time.

Sometimes a term rises to fame and we're helpless to stop it. Thanks to the Yearning for Zion sect having its compound raided outside of Eldorado Texas, polygamy is all the rage. It's a topic that's charged with emotion, DNA testing, lawyers, and lots of kids resembling the milkman. But polygamy isn't the fun-packed lifestyle some believe.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints apparently figures the more wives the merrier. Guys like lots of women around. They can't help it. Women, on the other hand, have more common sense, knowing how much trouble just one man can be.

Texas officials are trying to determine those sect kids' papas. For all we know, it could be a couple of guys, as we've not seen many running around. I guess they could be at a "Diapers and You" conference. Guys can't help it if they're real good at siring offspring.

But I'm getting off topic. Here are a few prime examples of why polygamy is riddled with problems:

* Delivery room. These days it's tough to spot a delivery room without a harried husband coaching controlled breathing, video taping, or trying not to faint. So, if he had three wives going into labor simultaneously, what the heck would he do? Men just don't have women's birthing stamina. I barely survived the painful ordeal when our first son was born.

* Filing IRS joint returns. The IRS isn't very savvy about the whole multiple wives thing. Just look at the forms -- only one line for a spouse signature. You'd have to jot something like, "See attached sheet." I suppose you could just list wives as dependents but that would be a pecking order fiasco and times are tense enough during tax season.

* Going out. A woman likes to look nice -- even if she's one of the harem's dozen. They'd ALL want to get in front of a mirror before leaving the house. I'm thinking the bathroom would be a "house of mirrors." They'd be plastered everywhere -- not to mention outlets for hair driers and curling irons. Oh, and sinks clogged with hair would the husband's nightmare.

* Getting things dirty. I'm in trouble 24/7 for bringing microscopic dirt into the house. Women sense dirt the way a bloodhound smells a bunny rabbit. I'm walking down the hall and my wife's head pops around the corner, "Is that dirt on the bottom of those shoes?" Well, how should I know? My point is, with multiple wives, there'd be half a dozen heads popping around the corner demanding, "Who can't hit the toilet?!"

* Groveling. During my almost 30 years of marriage I've done a lot of groveling. Heartfelt, sincere, groveling about events I really can't remember. The thing about my wife (And if I might stereotype, most women.) is she remembers events … well, as far as I can tell, forever. We'll be enjoying a movie and out-of-the-blue she'll mention how I had neglected to affirm her worth as a mother -- a life-threatening episode occurring during the Carter Administration. I always nod affirmatively, regardless of the consequences.

* Don't fix it. During our entire matrimonial adventure, my wife has patiently waited for me not to fix her problems but just to listen. Guys like to fix things: flat tires, leaky toilets, backyard fences, lukewarm beer. They can't help it. With multiple wives wanting hubby to listen, guys would be swamped. It'd take hours out of each day -- time more effectively used cleaning fishing gear or filling the cooler with ice.

I've learned a lot about marriage over the years, so jumping into a polygamous relationship just isn't that appealing. Maybe the young bucks out there would be tempted from the, you know, propagation standpoint. But I'm here to tell you that one wife is all this seasoned husband can handle. "Yes dear, those are my dirty socks on the living room couch."