The State of Montana's revenue department folks have decided my house's escalated appraised value makes ME worth more dinero than Guam's GNP. Unless I sell the home I've spent years scrimping and saving to build, I'll never see all that extra moolah. Yet, those property taxes continue to go sky high.

But let's cut to the chase. Folks getting off the bus with more loot than Fidel Castro are causing those skyrocketing home values. They purchase renovated chicken coup homes for sums verging on what we spent convicting "Scooter" Libby before releasing him. Now I don't blame people for wanting to live in Montana. It's a great place. It just p….. (rhymes with hisses) me off that I have to suffer the consequences of inflated home values.

I was relieved to read the opening statement in my "Important Property Tax Information Enclosed" flyer, "Changes in value of your property may or may not affect the actual taxes billed". It reminded me of the joke: Yo mama so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry. Ha, ha, those tax folks really know how to rip me up.

Further reading revealed the devilish reappraisal incremental phase-in process the 2003 Legislature hatched whereby tax rates decreased while taxed percentage increased. Here's the formula:

2002 Value before reappraisal + ((2003 Reappraisal Value - 2002 values before Reappraisal )* 83.33%) - States Coast Guard royalties + manure tonnage of last legislative session.

See, your H.S. algebra teacher was right, you would need those math skills someday.

There is a way to beat the system. Make your home look less than desirable. Much like the Goth girl I saw in the mall with enough pierced jewelry to start a pawn shop.

Don't fret about your home's interior. You could even install paneling in the bathroom, making a desperate attempt to kill spreading wall fungus, and the appraiser wouldn't have the foggiest clue. Most appraising is done in dimly lit offices with computers running software like, "Norm from the IRS Battles Druids of the Anarchy Rebellion."

Logically, the inside should help justify the astronomical price appraisers attached to a home but apparently not:

To drop a home's value you need to focus on the outside. For the money, chicken wire siding is a great start. Easily installed, it quickly collects tumbleweeds and trash creating a backwoods country flair.

Another nice touch is rusty metal appendages from broken washers, lawn mowers, or '65 Lincoln Continentals. These, tastefully hung from soffits or nailed to the siding, will stimulate provocative comments from your neighbor, hanging out a window making suggestive gestures with a tube of toothpaste. A theme of solidarity can easily be achieved by partially burying similar rusty items in the front lawn.

Outside ornamentation can quickly reduce one's home value by thousands saving you big tax bucks. Don't have a decorating aptitude? Take apart portions of your home, like the garage roof. Bare framing always makes the statement, "Get off my back you bloodsuckers!" I'm trying real hard not to get emotional here.

Montana's Governor, Brian Schweitzer, has promised that property taxes are not going to increase come hell or high water (I'm paraphrasing). Schweitzer, who's up for re-election next year, plans to propose legislation that keeps total state property taxes from increasing. That sends chills down my spine with visions of controlled spending by folks who use the word "revenue" like my wife uses "charge it."

I'd like to spend more time detailing his plan and examining other property tax issues but got to run. The wife's outside holding up the chicken wire.