P-Traps: The curse of indoor plumbing
Keeping the kitchen sink running is crucial to eating regularly so when my wife
notifies me the kitchen sink is backed-up, I get my super-relaxed-fit work pants on and move into action.
Indoor plumbing has been around longer than you might think but it wasn't the Romans that
flushed out the idea. About 4,000 years ago some Creteians were installing pipes in the Minoan
Palace of Knossos (you know the place, on the island of Crete).
Ajax: "Alexander, son of Philip, hand me that drain pipe over there."
Alexander: "Ajax, the son of Telamon , we don't have any left. Remember Homer, ass of Alcibiades, got spooked and broke the last batch."
Demetrius: "Hey Andrippos, son of Alexis, what the heck do they want a fountain in the living room for anyway?"
Ambrosia: "Yuck, you sons of plumbers pull up your pants. Your cracks are showing again."
So a plumber's life was always wrought with limited supplies, questionable installations,
and loose fitting clothing. Plumbers constant improvement on the technology includes lead
poisoning introduced by the Roman's lead pipes, Sir Thomas Crapper's first clogging toilet,
and the French devised "I do what with this?" bidet.
So what about fixing the sink? Well, I'm not a professional plumber but here's some simple
steps on how to save money performing this time-honored home repair task.
1. Loosen up: Getting those muscles stretched will reduce the chance of contracting some communicable
disease. Try touching your toes, turning from side to side, raising your arms over your head, and popping
all your knuckles. What, you feel dizzy and sick to your stomach? Just wait, it's only the beginning
2. Gather the special tools you'll need. Here's a prioritize list of tools you might be able to find out in the garage or in your neighbor's truck toolbox:
- Hammer - for venting frustration when something goes terribly wrong.
- Plumbers wrench - heavy case iron Roman plumber's replica.
- Silicone calking and calking gun - developed for breast implants, silicone also works for stopping leaks
caused by using the plumbers wrench.
- A working flashlight - make sure it's working as you'll be exploring strange - uncharted regions.
- Bowl - just empty one from the refrigerator.
- Paper towels - shop van - old rags - and that gift coat from your cousin Frank. These will be indispensable
once water starts gushing from pipe you haven't even touched.
- Drain cleaners: Go ahead, pour caustic chemicals down the drain - products with warning labels stating,
"This product has killed millions of test rats and was carcinogenic in parts of California. Do not swallow,
inhale, or mix with Canadian Mist Whiskey." I've never trusted them as pouring something into an already plugged
sink seems a bit counter intuitive to me.
3. Ready to have at it? Gather your tools, courage, and open the doors leading to the catacombs under the sink. Turn on the flash light and look around for large spiders, reptilian creatures, cockroaches, or pools of water. See any? Save your soul and call a plumber.
4. Remove children under the age of 13 from the house. You'll be wanting to spew a steam of plumbing vocabulary terms and they just aren't suitable for youngsters.
5. Look directly under the sink and you should see a pipe that looks like a horizontal letter p - well actually it resembles the big dipper but who'd call it the "big dipper trap"? That's the target.
Note: A professional plumbers would head right for the p-trap. Not immediately of course, he'd phone the home office
or organize things in the truck first. The Romans developed the p-trap as a way to trap jewelry that fell down the sink.
They didn't realize it would also trap every gross material know to mankind. Things like soap-soaked hair, a funny white slime that looks like milk turning into cottage cheese, or evidence of Johnny's last bout with the stomach flu.
6. Place your bowl under the target. Gather towels, etc. around it and scatter them throughout the room. They won't catch much - actually nothing - but it looks good.
7. By using your wrench, barbeque tongs, or bare hands, remove the fitting from the side of the trap that is attached to the sink. You'll no doubt be laying on your back - with bottles and other debris poking you. Ignore the pain but remember to, "Always keep your mouth closed". After removing the fitting, water will gush out of the sink's bottom - missing the bowl and drenching you with unknown contaminates. Remain calm - it gets worse.
8. Remove the fitting from the other side of the trap and ignore the stench emanating from the pipe. It's only sewer gas created from all the sewers in your town. Don't light a match.
9. Gently dump the trap into the empty bowl. You'll need to pull any hair or other foreign matter from the trap with your bare hands. Go ahead, just stick your finger down in there, it won't bite you. If you can't get it all, look for a basting brush in one of the kitchen drawers.
10. Now reverse the process and mop up the water that's run into the living room.
See, it wasn't as hard a you thought. Head down to the nearest nuclear power plant and run
through one of their de-contamination chambers. God only knows what microscopic - biological
creatures are running all over your body right now. With your new skills you're ready to tackle even
bigger plumbing tasks. Like changing the wax ring under the toilet. Maybe you should change your name
to Claudius, son of Sludgarian.
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