All you Southwest Montanans gather 'round. Now yell at the top of your lungs: "We don't need no stinkin' Real ID!"
Nice job! You guys in the third row, where's that enthusiasm? Quit poking each other! You probably supported the CIA blowing $11 million last year on psychics who supposedly could predict foreign terrorist threats.
But in all fairness, maybe Real ID is worth the billions it'll cost. Let's take a gander.
Once upon a time, a U.S. House bill sought to "establish and rapidly implement regulations for state driver's license and identification document security standards, blah, blah, blah, expeditious construction of the San Diego border fence." Everyone likes a nice-looking fence but, surprisingly, the bill died. No worries. Keen minds prevailed and stealthily resurrected "Real ID" as a rider to a military spending bill that was "an act making Emergency Supplemental Appropriations for Defense, the Global War on Terror, blah, blah, blah, and tomato soup for lunch."
It was a bill destined to pass, with Real ID becoming law on May 11, 2005. President Bush was giddy about signing it. He incessantly whines for Defense and Global War on Terror moolah like a spoiled brat wanting a candy bar in a checkout aisle.
Real ID has many clever provisions, including stricter regulations for asylum-seekers and deportation of aliens for terrorist activities. Remember how much trouble ET had phoning home and being rescued? Real ID would have really screwed up that movie.
The greatest controversy is the Real ID provision for "Improved Security for Driver's License and Personal Identification Cards," which creates federal standards for driver's licenses through a cooperative state-federal process. The Feds always know best so whatever they tell the states to do, they do.
Real ID imposes specific federal driver's license standards - possibly including, but not limited to, the following:
Each card must include the person's full legal name, signature, date of birth, gender, driver's license number, RBI average, childhood sweetheart's name and toothpaste preference - plus, a photograph of the person's face or stomach, whichever looks best. There's also the physical security feature designed to stop bad guys from copying it. North Carolina uses a hologram of Obi-Wan Kenobi in drag - tastefully done, of course.
Last year Montana's legislature passed a bill telling the feds to put Real ID "where the sun ... you know, isn't very bright." Still, the Department of Homeland Security boldly threatened if Montana didn't comply by May 11, its citizens could face extra screenings at airports or be required to marry homely federal employees.
In a tough-love way, outspoken Real ID opponent Gov. Brian Schweitzer told Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff to take his marbles and go home. Not wanting to be bullied either, state Attorney General Mike McGrath wrote the Feds a letter, using the special CIA-issued decoder ring, essentially saying, "I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works."
Homeland Security treated the Attorney General's letter as a request for an extension - those sissies - and now say we have till December 31, 2009 to comply. If not, we might have to send the Governor and Attorney General to federal "time-out." What could be more embarrassing than standing in a hallway outside the Oval Office with your nose to the wall?
We Real ID skeptics, the front-row ones frothing at the mouth, figure it's just another federal government "wasting-time" bureaucratic nightmare. One that's going to cost Montana taxpayers big bucks! I'm willing to stand shoulder-to-shoulder in that hallway with the Governor. I'm not afraid of being in trouble. My Dad always bragged I was the only kid he knew who could go around the house once and get six spankings.
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