Shoveling Snow: Your Own Weight Loss Program

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose."

Sure! Whatever! Winter means cold weather and snow. Snow that glistens on the trees providing scenic wonders fitting a Norman Rockwell painting. But snow is the king of deception. It looks harmless - all white and fluffy, but you might as well be looking at a pile of old busted bricks. At least that's what your back sees.

Your back is a delicate mixture of stretchy muscle tissue, bones, and cartridges. The muscles work to keep you upright - separating you from lesser species never afflicted with back problems. Bones serve as a way of providing structure much like cottage cheese in a Jello mold. Cartridges are a semi-permeable non-osmotic rubbery substance offering flexibility regardless of race, creed, or color. Put them together and you have a prime target for snow shoveling syndrome (SSS).

SSS can't be avoided regardless of age or maturation. It strikes quickly - producing an intense pain bringing world class weight lifters to their chalk-covered knees. A recent study by the SSS Institute of Mizpah, Minnesota provided a glimmer of hope that a healthy diet of prunes and water would relieve the symptoms of SSS by creating a lower center of gravity. Those findings are still being flushed out. So until then, here are 10 tips for reducing SSS:


1. Hire the kid next door to shovel your snow. Oh, he'll remember to do it about half the time while relying on the same levitation techniques he uses when playing Super Barbarian Mocho Alien Invasion on his X-Box. You can at least show intent when you're sued for dereliction of snow shoveling duties.

2. Lift with your knees until they go out - then rely on any still moving part of your body. No humiliation with getting on your hands and knees to finish the last twenty square feet of your driveway. Heck, while you're down there check where the oil slick under your car is coming from.

3. Engage your local hardware store associate in a lively discussion about the most ergonomic snow shovel. Humor him along by trying out the shovel assortment - producing small grunting and flatulence noises to add realism. Then buy the cheapest one. They're all going to cripple you once the snow reaches two inches.

4. Try shoveling in your bare feet. This will stimulate the fight or flight instinct harbored deep within your primitive instincts. Much like those stories of people gaining super-human strength and lifting lawn movers off of neighbor's cats they mistakenly took for an ant hill. You'll finish in record time.

5. Shovel in stages-pacing yourself like an Olympic skater. Tackle the front steps first - allowing a couple hours of recovery time in front of the TV. Consume plenty of fluid to keep your hydraulics up. Move on to the front walk and so forth. Keep pumping fluids and don't worry about whether it's light, amber, or a fine pilsner. It could take days to get the job done and you don't want to dehydrate.

6. Dress in layers that you can quickly remove as you heat up. There's a nice micro fiber thermal long underwear that comes in a very modest thong variety you might want to try. Be careful as most communities frown on someone shoveling snow looking like a Victoria's Secret's ad.

7. Wait a day or so for passersby to make a path on the sidewalk. Sure, people will curse you as they tramp through the only sidewalk in the neighborhood that's not shoveled. Remain strong as self esteem is not about being right - it's about believing in yourself.

8. Practice proper shoveling form. Switch the shovel from your right side to your left - balancing the crushing pressure being exerted on your back. Nothing more embarrassing that walking back to the house dragging one numb leg.

9. Get a rhythm going as you scoop and throw. Hum motivational tunes like, "It's a Small World" - increasing your mental awareness and hate glands. Your body accepts this punishment willingly if you focus on music or the fact you can't feel your ears anymore. Snow shoveling is a prime example of mind over excruciatingly heavy matter.
10. Move to Florida - nah - they have cockroaches the size of a small U-Haul trailer.

The SSS picture is not as bleak as national tabloids might indicate. You get to be outside in the fresh air while subduing nature with your brute strength. What a great source of exercise and quality time - learning about easily injured body parts. Think of the money people waste joining health clubs and sitting in warm saunas or hot tubs sipping chilled beverages. Those folks are pathetic without a clue about how to stop a strained back from cramping spasmodically. Yep, it takes a dark lager.

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