Why does this not surprise me? Sally Lieber, a Mountain View California assemblywoman proposed a law that would criminalize spanking young children. After being labeled a loony toon, she dropped the idea and instead introduced a bill requiring calculus in pre-schools. But all this is coming from a state with laws like:

• It's a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless it's a whale.
• In San Francisco, it's illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
• In Ventura County, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

I usually write about things I really don't understand but here's a subject where I have extensive experience. We'd be sitting around the family table, visiting with dignitaries, when my dad would boast, "Yep, Joe is the only kid I know that can circle the house once and get six spankings."

Actually I was a fun loving lad, just searching for adventures like pulling all the hair out of my sister's doll. Or that glorious day in forth grade when the steady warmth of the south windows lulled me into the kind of daydreaming that's required for certain doom.

Naturally, I was focused on the lesson about creating municipalities and the intricate working structure of civic government. Any fourth grader would be. I couldn't wait to read more from the textbook. Then a subconscious desire had me lick my finger, rub it on a page, and to my amazement the paper changed into mush.

This incredible discovery had to be used - but how? Why not create a hole on one page showing the face that appeared on the following page. A complicate process at best but within moments I had a face smiling at me from the next page. Encouraged by my success, I searched for another page to ply my new skills.

Oblivious to reality, a shadow fell upon me, sealing my doom. My teacher demanded, "Joe, what are you doing to your textbook?" then with the composure only found in forth-grade teachers ordered, "Take your book to the principal's office."

I frequented the principal's office almost as much as being sent to sit in the hallway outside my classroom. I prepared for the impending "assume the position" but the Principal just said he would tell my folks. I took out my lunch money and slipped it on his desk. No go, he couldn't be bought.

Once my parents found out no form of punishment would be overlooked so I made up my mind to run away from home After school I started wandering up and down the irrigation ditch that ran through town. With a warm fall afternoon all my cares of the day vanished.

Darkness and the pang of hunger proved the runaway notion was fraught with short-sightedness not unlike most of my plans. I tried to stay the course but imminent starvation made me succumb and seek the comforts of home.

Sent to my room without dinner, I awaited my father. It is at this juncture I beg you, the reader, to sympathize with my fate. I had no malice or forethought about my crime, as operating in the world of reality wasn't my strong suite.

I knew my Dad was thinking, "I told her three kids were enough, but noooooo, she had to have this fourth one!" As I laid over the chest of drawers with my pants lowered I knew - well, I suspected - ok, I had a vague notion I had done something wrong. To this day I don't understand why he said, "This will hurt me more than it will you." Heck, he was the one swinging the belt.

Eventually my folks figured out those spankings weren't helping control my naturally mischievous nature and resorted to electric shock therapy. There was talk of a frontal lobotomy but my Mom didn't have enough Green Stamps.

Assemblywomen Lieber signaled she's not going to back down. "If they are relying on instruments they are abdicating their responsibility as parents." Where was this lady when I was a kid? Who am I to question her visionary approach to legislation as I still carry the scars of being punished over the years. My wife reaches for the boiled okra - I duck.