Let's examine one of the most fundamental needs of the human species. Ranking right up there with choosing a mate, finding a clean bathroom stall, and rummaging around in a trash can for a refund check. It's the tried and true process of shopping for tires.

A keen rubber knowledge is essential here. When you walk into the tire shop you should act as if you've been working the world of rubber all you life - traveling extensively examining the great rubber plantations of northern Mongolia.

The primary building block of rubber is little bitsy particles known as atoms that stick to each other forming compounds. Rubber atoms are Carbon and Hydrogen in the formula CH2:C(CH 3)CH:CHOCOLATE2. Also known as a polymer of the monomer isoprene. With me so far? These molecular compounds grow to incredible sizes carefully cross-linked with twine ensuring they stay together. In 1830, Goodyear found a way to mind-meld with a Vulcan he met in a bar and came up with the process of hardening rubber he fondly referred to as vulcanization. Add monomethyl and diisopropylamine and you've cooked up some good rubber. Hey, aren't those the same ingredients in powder sugar donuts?

You'll need to decypher the coded secret message on each tire. The Aztec-based coding scheme helped Tachli (like basketball combined with soccer except the loosing team) measure the rubber ball they played with. Still in use today, you'll likely see the following code on a good tire:

The LT stands for Less Tread meaning you're looking at an economy tire with a tread wear resistance of 245/75R. Don't get confused by the long division math but remember the numbers should end with a 5 which is the closing time of most tire outfits (R means retail outlet you silly one). 16V refers to 16 virgin parakeets that were sacrificed before the tire production run. The last value, 108/104S is a coded value sworn-to-secrecy tire sales folks magically use to arrive at the tires true size.

It's best to pick a tire store that you can trust with a name like Uncle Bob's Tire Warehouse and Live Bait Emporium. Remember tire sales associate is a highly trained individual - with years of e xperience installing and removing rubber things. Don't let on that you're a seasoned tire buyer as that will reduce the chance of getting the tires installed in this millennium.

The real story is you don't buy tires - you lease them. Oh sure, your new-found tire sales friend will tell you that "these here tires have a 14 kazillion mile warranty against tread wear, road hazards and sniper fire". What they don't tell you is that when the tires hit 30,000 miles and are as bald as a cue ball, you'd be wishing they'd been shot by a sniper. Your tire friend suddenly starts measuring tread depth and plugging it into this formula:

You might also witness the pagan "wear mark indicator" ritual involving a jelly filled donut rubbed gently across your tire treads. Once the "are your tires worthy" process is complete the sales person is ready to honor that old warranty. All - in - all, you'll be lucky to get out of there with even a small percentage of what you paid for the tires. Now they'll put that money toward a new set of high performance 14 kazillion mile tires. If I were you, I wouldn't set my standards to high. Get the cheapest ones with the lowest mileage warranty. It's kind of like ordering a small orange juice - when your waitress serves it up - you're not disappointed it came in a shot glass.