The toilet wax ring is a device of simple beauty - going unnoticed as it seals the toilet to wherever the heck the stuff goes. When functioning properly, it wards off waste-pipe slugs from living in villages under the toilet and, when you flush, stops the stuff (you know what I mean) from spewing onto your bathroom floor.

• Hearing loud sluggarian music coming from under your toilet.
• Noticing a squishy feeling and brown substances oozing from the flooring As you step next to the toilet.
• Being able to rock the toilet freely from side-to-side in rhythm to primitive African cannibal dances.
• Hearing a swooshing sound in the bathroom, only to discover the toilet has vanished through the floor.

Un-repaired wax ring problems lead to catastrophic expenses reminiscent of the Exxon Valdez cleanup. But don't despair! Follow these simple steps to ensure safe toileting:

1. Purchase a wax ring at any hardware store. Don't be embarrassed, it's not like you're buying condoms. Also grab some industrial strength gloves capable of blocking unknown biological viruses.
2. Scatter rock salt around the perimeter of the toilet. This will stop the slugs from seeking refuge in your kitchen.
3. Using common household anti-bacterial cleaner or a small can of gasoline, thoroughly douse the toilet and let stand for a week. Biological organisms are tough to kill so multiple applications may be necessary.
4. Turn off the toilet's water and remove the feed line. Flush the toilet to drain the water from the tank.
5. Remove the nuts holding the bottom of the toilet to the flange in the floor. Chances are you won't be able to unscrew them as they will be rusted in place and require a hack saw, ox-acetylene torch, or act of God to come loose. Though you might be tempted - don't remove the gloves.


Funny how removing two small nuts will take most of an afternoon, invoking language that'll make a congressman blush. Hang in there, the rest is almost fool-proof.


6. Gently lift the toilet from the floor and place it on its side out in the front yard, neighbor's apartment, or kids' inflatable wading pool.
7. Inspect the plumbing flange for breaks or "Gees - what are Ken and Barbie doing down there?" Carefully discharge a small caliber pistol at anything slithering out of the hole.
8. Clean the wax and any other foreign material from the bottom of the toilet and floor flange. Simply fling it out the bathroom window or place it in a paper bag you can later light on fire on your boss's doorstep. You'll find removing the wax rather nauseating but a few shots of peppermint schnapps will pull you through.
9. Take the nice, new, so perfectly clean - without any hint of small particles looking like they came out of a can of cat food - wax ring and place it on the horn of the toilet (where the stuff comes out). A cold ring won't seat very well so slip it down the front of your pants for a few minutes to soften it up.
10. Using the two transients you picked up holding signs "Will work on toilets for food," carefully set the toilet in place - making sure the wax ring seats securely on the flange and the bolts poke up through the holes in the toilet. Do not, under any circumstances, lay your face on the floor to inspect the placement (staff infections are a devil to cure).
11. You might notice some wax extruding from different orifices of the toilet. This may be gathered and used for sealing your peach preserves.
12. Hook back up the supply line, turn on the water, find the leak, and try again with a new feed line. Duck tape, caulk, or beat with a small wooden bat any remaining leaks.
13. If you're daring, you can give the toilet a flush but I'd put the house on the market first.

That's it, a problem solved in fewer steps than making a nuclear warhead. Remember the words of Thomas Crapper who was credited with helping make the modern toilet possible, "Tis a beauty when it works but a crapper when she's plugged."