I don't want to throw the soggy paper towel of doom on your holidays but "What happens if the Yellowstone caldera explodes?" Does our homeowner policy cover it? Will it kill the neighbor's stupid little dog that constantly does his thing on our front lawn? Is there enough time during this Holiday season to stimulate the sluggish economy before this seismic anomaly finally pops?

Before we panic, sell our homes, pack up our worldly possessions, and move to subdivisions in Detroit (cleverly designed to look like Chicago slums) -- let's consider some facts.

Fact 1: Aliens, abandoned here during Ulysses Grant's administration, looking for a good spot to vacation, stumbled across Yellowstone. Yes, the same ones disguised as sales associates, who have been stocking Christmas stuff earlier and earlier each year. They're just trying to stay busy until the mother ship returns.

Fact 2: Since 2004, the Yellowstone caldera has risen three inches a year -- three-times faster than recorded history. National Forest Service officials neither confirm nor deny the use of steroids. Indictment containing four counts of perjury and one count of obstructing justice is pending.

Fact 3: The caldera is 100 times larger than Mt. St. Helens. If I remember history correctly, St. Helens covered Redmond, Washington in ash. Creating the famous company known as Bobby's Ash Sculptures and Live Bait Farm. Bobby went on to invent the Internet.

Fact 4: Dermatologists believe the swelling is part of a normal cycle, recommending an anti-inflammatory and ice treatment. Park officials, scoffing at such foolishness, are busy creating a paper maché diorama of the affected area.

Fact 5: The super volcano has seen three major eruptions over the last two million years, most recently 70,000 years ago. At that time, the local natives "ran like hell," leaving candy wrappers and Old Faithful souvenirs in their wooly mammoth dome tents.

If you've not experienced Yellowstone lately, it's a great place to see the wonders of nature. I was there last September, awestruck by the big, colorful, slowly changing, steadily stopping stream of cars trying to pull into the Mud Volcano parking lot. I leaned out my window and yelled, "Hey, Labor Day has come and gone. You people should, too!" Once was enough before the wife threatened me with a tuna fish sandwich, heavy on the mayo.

Trudging along like cattle to the Dragon's Mouth Spring, they didn't realize the ground had raised, that minute -- let's see, 3 inches a year divided by 365, carry the one, and subtracting the amount from column 4C -- about the height of a proton.

I felt movement, but it could have been the truck stop chili. The crazy tourists wouldn't have noticed anyway as they ran around taking photos of scenic wonders including pinecones on trees. Fantastic shots that, composition wise, equaled pictures of heaping-full dumpsters.

It was lovely seeing the smiling foreigners, emptying off charter buses, just ahead of my quest to find a public restroom before my bladder exploded. No damage done as they (the guys, that is) kindly let me cut in line. Really swell people from distant countries like Germany, Brazil, and North Dakota.

But I'm off the topic of the swelling caldera. Robert B. Smith, Professor of Geophysics at the University of Utah and lead author of the report charting the Yellowstone caldera, feels there's no danger of "imminent volcanic eruption or hydrothermal explosion." Sure, using a Ouija board is unconventional, but so was the Star Wars defense system. Federal funding knows no bounds.

Guess I'll take Teddy and his buds out of the suitcase and put them back by my pillow. I'm heading to the stores with the vim and vigor needed to avert this country from a recession. Maybe the sales associate from the planet Zorcon will know what gift to give my Mom.